Zombies and Gods
Jupiter, King of the gods, brother of Neptune and Pluto, and Lord of the Sky, had grown fond of power. He began to dream of becoming the god of everything, and when gods dream, things happen. Most of the other gods knew this was just a passing fancy of Jupiter, but Pluto, god of the Underworld, felt that his position and power was demeaned by Jupiter’s thoughts of supremacy. Pluto had long been annoyed by Jupiter’s high-and-mighty view, and decided to teach him a lesson. He decided to give Jupiter what he wanted: Pluto gave Jupiter the Underworld.
Jupiter was delighted! He thought it would be an easy job, and it brought him one step closer to his dream. But he soon grew bored with constantly monitoring the Underworld, and ran off to chase a pretty nymph through the woods.
The Underworld, however, is a terrible thing to be left alone, for there are spirits down there who are not pleased to be dead. And when they were given their opportunity to leave, they did. Upon reaching the surface, the spirits regained their bodies. But this regeneration was not fueled by the power of Pluto, so it was not seamless, and their bodies only regrew partially. Infuriated both by their death and now their semi-life, these newly forged Zombies decided to march on Mount Olympus to take power for themselves!
“Ad deos, ad libertatem, ad gloriam!” Said the vengeful spirit of the semi-dead King Minos.
“Ad deos, ad libertatem, ad gloriam! ” Echoed the chorus of millions of half-voices.
“Necesse est nobis multas armas habere.” Called Minos.
“Multa arma!” Cried the army.
In the dead of night, a team of Zombies a thousand strong found one of Vulcan’s many forges, and pillaged all of the arms and armor that could be useful from the god of the Forge. Then the fully equipped army began to march toward Olympus.
“Expugnabimus Olympum et occidemus deos Romanorum!”
Vulcan was the first to notice the disturbance. When he returned to his forge to find it empty, he sent out metal sentinels to retrieve them. Vulcan saw the Zombies through the eyes of these sentinels, and saw the power of the horde as his creations were ripped to shreds in a matter of seconds.
Afraid for his family, Vulcan went to Mount Olympus as fast as he could; using a special chariot he designed to move faster than the wind. When he entered the chamber of the gods, he raised an alarm and called all of the gods to their seats. They arrived at once.
“Why are we called?” bellowed Jupiter.
“A great threat has risen from the Underworld. Apparently Pluto has once again decided he wishes to destroy Olympus” said Vulcan.
“Yes…yes… Pluto again…” said Jupiter somewhat bashfully.
“I WILL NOT HAVE MY NAME BESMIRCHED AGAIN!” roared Pluto, who to walked out of the shadows. “You can thank my brother Jupiter for this. He wished the power of the Underworld, so I gave it to him. And now he must pay the consequences for what he has done.”
All the gods turned to stare at Jupiter, and Pluto vanished. He had left the entire counsel
completely disturbed and angry with their king.
“How could you let this happen?”
“I thought you knew better.”
“You could lead to our downfall.”
“You couldn’t just be satisfied with the sky, you needed the dead too?”
“ENOUGH!” yelled Jupiter. “I have made a mistake, but chastising me will not fix it. Minerva, what say you?’
“I say we send Mercury to discuss terms of peace with these monsters, and determine what they desire.”
With the nod of Jupiter’s head, Mercury was gone. Fast as a thought, he arrived in front of the recently dead King Minos and asked. “What is it you and your people wish of Olympus?”
“Da nobis potestatem deorum, et da nobis vitam aeternam!” screamed Minus.
Mercury returned the message, and it was Mars who spoke next.
“We cannot give them our power! I say we destroy them all! We are the gods, we do not lose. And if these things be immortal, then I say we do to them what we did the Titans! TO WAR I SAY!”
There was a great clamor in favor of war, for there is no god that wishes to lose their power. Even Minerva thought it wisest to fight. She and Mars began to discuss their war tactics, while Apollo and Diana equipped themselves with bows and arrows. Bacchus and Ceres grew walls of wheat and grapes to be guarded by Vulcan’s sentinels.
By the time the Zombies reached Mount Olympus, they found themselves face to face with an enormous fortress.
Minus turned to his army, and directed their actions. “Oppugnate muros et delete copias eorum!”
As the war raged on, the gods soon began to realize that these creatures would not die, nor would they feel pain, nor would they cease their assault. So Jupiter sent Faunus to the front line, where he used his special power of Panic!
The Zombies heard the scream, and turned to each other and said “Timesne Faunum? Non timeo Faunum, sed rideo Faunum! HAE HAE HAE!”
And a tumultuous laughter took the crowd, instead of the fear that was intended. And the Zombies kept marching up the mountain.
Soon the Zombies reached the summit, where they were faced with two doors, and between them stood Janus, god of decisions.
“One of these doors will send you to Tartarus” said Janus “And the other to Olympus. Choose wisely.”
“Ad portamne dextram, an portam sinistram adimus?” pondered Minus.
“Cur non adimus ad portam dextram et portam sinistram?” inquired a Zombie underling.
Janus’s faces instantly turned pale when he realized the immensity of the hoard, and fled just before the crowd rushed to two doors. But just before they reached the doors, they found themselves in the Underworld once again, all at the feat of the fearsome Pluto.
“You have all done well in frightening my brother; I do not believe he will be anxious for my power again for many centuries. But I will never permit this sort of freedom again. You will never taste life again, none of you, so get used to death. You are all to return to your designated sites and remain there until I decide to move you. Farewell.”
“Vale, Pluto deus mortuorum.”