When Zombies Attack
by David Krauskopf-Greene
Latin zombies have invaded our lands. The gods, consisting of Juppiter, Neptunus, Pluto, Mars, and Hercules are trying to stop them from eating the brains of our people, and hope to send them back to the underworld, the kingdom of Pluto.
Juppiter, the leader of the gods, thinks that the zombies should be shocked by lightning to stop them. When the zombies get shocked by lighting they respond to the gods “Ha ha hae, non potest nocere nobis fulgur.” Then, the zombies see a Latin resident and say “Comedamus eum.” Zombies are supposed to like human brains, but these zombies say “Velimus cor eius.” The gods are in shock at the powers of these zombies, so Neptunus comes up with an idea. He thinks that the zombies won’t be able to swim, and therefore thinks that if there is a flood they will drift away. He tries it, but the zombies are not affected. They claim that they “Primum gradum natare didicerunt.” The gods don’t know what to do. The zombies seem so powerful that they are unaffected by any of the gods powers. Next, Mars tries to fight off the zombies by using war tactics. He summons his army, but once again to no avail. The zombies end up eating all of Mars’s soldiers. Then the zombies ask Mars “Possumus habere amplius miltitum?” Mars is scared and doesn’t know what to do. Therefore, he asks Hercules for help. Hercules thinks if he picks up and throws the zombies away they will be gone. Unfortunately, the gods didn’t like this plan and they decide to kicks Hercules out. Hercules is upset with the god’s decision, so he now wants to help the zombies. He asks one zombie if he can help them and the zombie says “Invenient mihi centum homines.” Hercules tries to help the zombies, but the other gods banish Hercules from the area, and therefore he can’t help the zombies. The zombies say “Nos esurientem sunt.” Now the gods feel bad for the zombies because they don’t want them to starve. Neptunus comes up with a brilliant idea. He will give the zombies one thousand fish hearts if they leave the people alone. The zombies respond “Volumus homines non pisces.” The gods don’t know what to do, so they tell the zombies a lie. They say “Pisces melius quam homines.” The zombies aren’t sure if they should trust the gods, but in the end they say “Capiemus pisces.”
Overall, the conflict comes to an end, and the zombies leave with only eating a couple hundred people. What a happy ending!