The Zombie Wars

by Francesco

It was a stormy night in the town of Tusculum where Julius lived. “Tempus erat malum quia Iuppiter et Juno pugnant.” There was a lot of commotion in Rome because Juno’s Zombie army was chanting “Julius, nos venimus ad te!”


Juno had a strong aversion towards Julius because Julius had often ridiculed Juno for being a bad mother when she threw her son Hephaestus off of Mt. Olympus. Julius was also one of Iuppiter’s many illegitimate children. Juno then proposed to the zombies that “Liberabo vos, se vos auxilium datis ad meus.”

The zombies replied “O quam fortis erimus.”

Shortly thereafter, Iuppiter was going to have to protect his son Julius from his wife Juno and her zombie army. “Bellum gerere est necesso” thought Iuppiter. But, in a surprising move Iuppiter pretended to be pleased with Juno’s actions. Iuppiter went as far as to say that Julius should be punished. Iuppiter even got Mercurius the messenger god to invite the zombie army up to Mt. Olympus to discuss disciplinary actions for his son. Mercurius told the Zombies that they would have to walk up to Mt. Olympus.

The zombies replied by saying “Ambulantne?”

Mercurius replied by saying “Veritas, ambulant ad monetem Olympum”.

Now, Iuppiter’s plan was fully engaged. He planned to trap the Zombies inside the gates of Mt. Olympus and have them killed. Iuppiter had all of the gods except for Juno in on the plan. They were going to sit down to dinner and as the wine was going to be passed out by Bacchus, Bacchus would signal Vulcanus to give Iuppiter his freshly forged thunderbolts, the gates. Finally, Mars the god of war would lead the rest of the gods into battle against the zombies.

The signal was going to be the phrase “In vino est veritas.”

Everything went according to plan; the zombies had arrived on Mt. Olympus and Bacchus was starting to come around with the wine. The problem was that Juno was nowhere to be found. Everyone was asking the same question, “Ubi est Juno?”

The answer was that Juno had gone to Tusculum to kill Julius herself. Julius had a feeling that Juno was up to no good so; he fled Tusculum and headed towards Mt. Olympus. Mercurius then told Iuppiter that Julius was coming towards Mt. Olympus.

“Quid facit Julius?” said Iuppiter.

Then, the Zombies became aware that something was happening, and they were not very pleased. Therefore, the zombies started to erupt into a war with the gods. The zombies were crushing the gods until Julius was able to arrive at Mt. Olympus. Julius’s arrival distracted the zombies and ultimately led to their demise as they were slaughtered from that point on.

Juno returned home to find her zombie army destroyed, Julius sitting upon her throne and she had no idea how it happened. All she could say was “Quid accidit hodie?”

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