The Lingua Latina Zombies
One night, a long time ago, the Olympian gods were lounging on Mt. Olympus enjoying the beautiful summer weather. Jupiter, the king of the gods, was the only unhappy god on this lovely night, as he was reminiscing of his brutal argument with his wife, Juno. Frustrated by these thoughts, Jupiter produced a magnificent lightning bolt, and sent it straight for Rome. Jupiter thought to himself, “oops”, but did not think anything more of it.
Meanwhile, in Tuscany’s local graveyard, the Balbus’, each of them passing hundreds of years before this day, were lying peacefully dead in their graves. All of the sudden, the large and powerful lightning bolt struck the graveyard sending a wave of electricity into each of the corpses. A loud moan was heard coming up from the ground, and suddenly, the Balbus family was alive!
“Non dorminis sunt,” Marcus continued, “Ego laeta est!”
“Hahahae”, Julia started, “Iulia superabit Jupiter!”
The undead Balbus family, as well as their zombie shepherd, sheep, and dogs, slowly started making their way to Mt. Olympus. In the midst of the journey, Pluto, the god of the underworld, stopped the Balbus family in their tracks.
“Vos auxilium petitis?” said Pluto. “Ego auxilium dabo!”
“Nunc nos fortis sunt!” said Julius.
Within five minutes of their encounter with Pluto, the messenger god, Mercury, spotted the
Balbus family. He ran to Mt. Olympus to deliver the news. Jupiter, feeling better after releasing his frustration, was now relaxing and eating fruit by the sea. Mercury quickly found him, and gave him the news that the lightning bolt Jupiter threw out of anger caused the rising of the “Lingua Latina” zombies. Jupiter called upon Mars, the god of war, to prepare for the battle. Jupiter’s brother Neptune called for his Cyclops for protection.
“Olympus est prope!” cried Quintus.
“Nos Cyclopem vidimus” answered Aemelia and Marcus.
After seeing the Cyclops, the frightened zombie sheep and dogs began running away. The zombie pastor chased after them.
“Ubi est ovis,” cried the pastor, "non vestigium videt!”
After losing the pastor and the animals, the Balbus family was alone with Pluto on their way to Mt. Olympus. They were getting closer.
“Ubi est gladius?” said Julius. “Non gladius nec pilum habio!”
“Arma Romana in villas sunt!” cried Aemelia.
Because Julius left his weapons at his old home, the family decided to turn around and go back to their farm house near Tuscany. Because the “Lingua Latina” zombies were preoccupied with returning home, the gods of Mt. Olympus ambushed the family, and killed them again, sending them back to their graves for good. For the rest of eternity, Pluto was baffled by the incompetence of the Balbus family.