Sex, Alcohol, and Nuclear Arms

by Marc Robbins

A group of Zombies met at the bottom of Olympus and the leader, Magister, told the others, "Oppugnabimus deos."

When Zeus, the leader of the Gods, heard him, he yelled back, “then you will die.”

So Magister answered, "Gladii nostri sunt graviores et longiores quam gladii vestri. Ergo, vos necabimus."

With that, the Zombies started their attack on Olympus, but the Gods were ready. First, Zeus raped three of the Zombie women and had a half god, half zombie baby with each of them. Infuriated, one zombie yelled, "Ea est uxor mea. Ego eam amo."

Dionysus was also prepared and got many of the Zombies so drunk on wine that they passed out. While drunk, one Zombie said, "Ego sum laetus. Ego nolo pugnare."

Aphrodite, the goddess of love, then entered the battle completely naked. She was so beautiful that a Zombie said, "Ego te amo. Tu es pulcherrima.

When he wasn’t paying attention, Aphrodite killed him. She then left and got more zombies to fall in love with her.

After this, Artemis, the maiden goddess, confronted a group of Zombies. Even though she was fully clothed, the zombies found her very attractive. "Venus est pulchrior quam Diana, sed etiam ego volo amare Dianam," one said. Being a virgin, Artemis was so angry at this that she killed that zombie and ten others with her bow and arrow.

At this point, the zombies were getting pretty thoroughly beaten. They had made no progress, and had several thousand casualties. So, Magister changed the strategy and announced to the others, "Non oppugnabimus deos gladiis et scutis."

Being discreet because he wanted to confuse the gods, he was telling the Zombies that it was hopeless to try to fight the Gods by conventional means. He was ordering them to arm and prepare their secret weapon: the nuke.

Hermes, the messenger god, heard Magister say this and reported back to the Gods in the palace. "Ei desistent pugnare. Vicimus."

But Hermes had given the Gods bad information. The Zombies weren’t surrendering; they were simply changing their strategy. So, while the Gods all partied in their palace and congratulated each other for winning the battle, Magister and his followers were planting a nuclear bomb right under them.

"Sumus maiores quam ei. Ei non validi sunt," said Zeus to the others. "Optimi milites sumus."

Right then, the bomb exploded and all gods and Zombies were vaporized immediately. The gods, who thought they were immortal, didn’t know that U-235 radiation was the only thing that could kill them. With all the Zombies and Gods dead, Fox Lane’s Period 3 Latin Class – which had been watching everything from the bottom of the mountain – cheered. Their plan had worked perfectly, and they could now take their places as the new gods on top of Mount Olympus.

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