Gossip Gods (Gods versus Zombies in adolescent form)

by Sarena Malsin

It was Jupiter’s birthday, and he and all of his Godly teenage friends decided to visit Mt. Olympus Amusement Park for his party. Jupiter was an exclusive god and only invited his closest friends: his girlfriend, Juno, Ceres, because she could provide party snacks, his confrontational best buddy, Mars, Venus, because she was hot and seductive, and Bacchus, because a party isn’t a party unless there’s wine.


Mars wanted to prove how brave he was to Venus, so he suggested they go on the scariest haunted house ride in the park, called “Hades’s World”. Unbeknownst to the Gods, a Zombie gang had overheard their plans and also knew of their ultimate party supplier: Bacchus. The Zombie gang had no member like Bacchus to provide them with wine for their own parties. They hatched their own plan to pose as characters in the haunted house ride to ambush the Gods.

How convenient their ride choice was; the zombies would fit right in! The zombies chatted as they took up their positions on the ride.
Hahahahae! Dei non scient nos esse mortuos ambulantes!

Ita vero, bene eos discipiemus.”

The Haunted ride started and Jupiter was about to put moves on Juno and Bacchus was about to pass out wine and Mars was about to impress Venus but THEN, all of a sudden, the ride shut down. The ‘props’ started to move, and the Gods realized that the ride didn’t just have exceptional scenery effects, but they were actually surrounded by real zombies!

Mars, being the God of war and always ready to fight, whipped out his spear to combat the ethanol-seeking enemies. Zeus and Bacchus followed his lead. However, they soon realized that the zombies had come better prepared than they had.

Pila nostra longiora quam pila Deorum sunt!” The zombies commented joyfully.

The divine friends thought they had met their certain social demise, when all of a sudden Ceres, the goddess of the harvest, raised wheat crops from the very floor she was standing on and bombarded the zombies with a shower of grain bullets.

Minime! Ceres iacet frudia adversa nos!”

Frudia mei dolet, sed volo edere frudia.

The zombies were so distracted and injured by the grain that they didn’t notice Bacchus slipping away to hide from them. One zombie noted his absence and said,

Ubi est Bacchus?” The rest of the zombies looked around and went into hysterics. They had failed to achieve their goal and had lost their main target.

Bacchus abivit!

Nos debemus reperire Bacchum!” The zombies shouted frantically.

Jupiter, being the leader of the group and king of the Gods, was confused as to why the zombies weren’t out to get him, since, obviously, he was the most important individual on all of Mt. Olympus.

Volumus vinum habere, nam sine vino feriae nostrae non luda sunt.” The zombies answered him.

Meanwhile, Venus was more impressed with the zombies standing up to Mars than with Mars himself, and went off with them to try to seduce them with her divine aura of love. Jupiter was extremely upset to lose Venus to the zombies, because she was, in fact, the most beautiful chick in all of Mount Olympus. Juno became insanely jealous (as was her tendency) of Jupiter’s feelings for Venus and stomped away, tossing excess grain at him from Ceres’s attack as she left.

But, amidst all the after-drama, the Gods did in fact keep Bacchus’s talent and powers away from the zombies, and were still able to have the best parties.

The zombies trudged away, grumbling “Profecto, Dei amicos nostros non sunt.”


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